CONFESSIONS OF A GRUMPY BEAR

by Dr. Kevin Keough

I don't believe in God though it's hard to get around the cyclical experience of the presence and absence of this presence of the Ancient-of the Holy Ghost in my life.

Experience of this presence just once for only an instant is plenty enough to turn my world upside down, leaving me forever changed and unable to return to life before this blessing...and curse. Just a whiff of this presence over the course of 48 years has left me forever free yet seemingly enslaved.<.p>

Now, it can feel like a predicament that I've experienced this presence innumerable times, some 'visitations' lasting a bit longer than a moment. How can one complain about recurrent experiences of a sort too many never feel, many beg for...would kill for, would die for, that some would endure anything for however long to catch but a whiff ?

How could such a blessing feel like a curse ? I don't believe it is a curse though the feeling it is can not be denied. Gone forever are thoughts of being anything other than the tiniest and very insignificant speck of Creation. i am less than the four legged creatures, birds, ants, trees, stones, dirt. These creatures do no wrong, neither plot and scheme, nor oppress and harm.

No matter my intentions and efforts, i do harm, cause hurt, ....i am a part of creation, one of the Creatures-the self- anointed wise, wise ones that has turned against Creation with unbridled arrogance and fury. I remember hearing an Indian--a savage--one of the non-elite, praying.....begging forgiveness from 'Grandfather'...I remember the words: "i am nothing". Reminded me of being in church as a child, beating my heart three times saying "Lord I am worthy....but only say the Word and I shall be healed". Times change. I think it's customary to say it but once if at all. Word is it's a sign of progress. Sin has been banished to the trash dumpsters. We've outgrown such silly concepts.

After an experience of this presence the absence of this presence is unsettling. What did i do to be worthy of a visitation ? What am I doing or not doing to account for the absence of this presence ? Just a whiff and I'm forever longing for another. Yet, hoping for more than one experience of something most never experience seems greedy or just plain wrong.

As far as I can discern, It comes and passes through me independent of my action or inaction. Do we earn the experience of Grace ? Are we entitled to it ? Doesn't seem so, though it does seem to be our birthright.....I don't know how to square the two.

There is an end to a search for 'meaning', an end to all questions about 'why'. In my experience, just feeling this Spirit pass through but once leaves me content to live out my days-however they go--feeling blest far beyond anything I could have imagined.

Happily and without slightest hesitation would I die so another might be so blest.

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i am sad, no way around it. The 'Secret' doesn't help, Oprah's worldwide gig with Eckert Tolle doesn't ring true. I've found no medicine, no distraction, no prayers, no strategy, no attitude, nothing to drive away this sadness.

i miss my daughter. i miss all those with whom I once shared a sense of communion and community---things happen in life that create such strife, confusion, and hard feelings. i don't know if others miss what i miss.

i am bothered by injustice and oppression. i can no longer turn a blind eye to the reality of those images on the television. i am bothered by the insidious effects of the television. i do pray for infants and children, boys and girls, bought and sold as sex slaves. i am bothered that we turn our backs on genocide. i am bothered by images of starving children--skin and bones little ones denied food and water and little ones plump and fat denied love.

i am bothered by how we treat women and mothers. i am bothered that young men's lives are considered disposable in military strategies created by the elite. i am bothered that we can no longer go to Dover Air Force Base to bear witness to the flag-draped coffins of those who gave their lives for something.

i am bothered by such things and will not apologize for it.

Bother me for being bothered about it, try to teach my children not to be bothered, tell them to buck up and forget about it----could cause Hell to enter your life.

No, i don't dwell on all of it nor do i feel 'righteous' for being bothered.

Why bother making a big fat point about it ? One reason only---so others out there who share my experience know they aren't alone or crazy and maybe won't be bullied into 'happy indifference'.

There is far more goodness in life than not. Today, i am aware of those things that rattle my soul.